Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Psalm 139

All through out the day I have been thinking of interesting things to write, but now they suddenly disappear, so I guess I'll start new.

Practically everybody knows that I used to listen to really bad music. Music that was all about drugs, alcohol, pimps, girls and, um, sex. I really don't think I was saved then but I know that I was being convicted (of sin) and I didn't like it. So I started listening to this music, kinda like how somebody turns to drugs or beer, to just drown out everything that was going on in my mind, to forget (temporarily), to drown out my conscience and most of all, I didn't like how the Lord was there. Its hard to explain, but I just wished He would leave me alone and stop making me so miserable, and wow, thank God He didn't leave me alone. I still cry sometimes about how I must have been a big pain, I was supposed to be a good example to my younger siblings and I had told my dad I was saved (that was a lie, I really wasn't), yet I was yelling at them all to just leave me alone, I didn't care if I got in trouble, just get out and stay out. Even after I was truly saved I still had to struggle with music and to be honest, it hasn't been until maybe last month that I really stopped listening to it completely. But I am getting a bit off subject, I started this whole thing because I wanted to explain why my blog is called "The way I am". It is called that because the night I started this blog I was struggling over a name for it and then I remembered a song that I had heard called "The way I are" by Timbaland Featuring Keri Hilson and D.O.E. And by the way, that is the song Chelsea gets to dance to at her dance recital and I can assure that this song is absolutely garbage even though the beat may sound nice to some and the dance routine (what I have seen of it) that Chelsea dances is a bit provocative.

I wish I didn't struggle with prayer so much. I need to pray, I have to pray, its like dad said that if a Christian doesn't pray its like holding their breath and eventually they will need to breath. Sometimes I fell like I am gasping for air and I wonder sometimes if there is some sin that I have not confessed and if there is, why is it not being shown to me? Maybe it is being shown and I just need to listen harder, or look harder.

This is all for tonight, I don't really feel like writing any more and besides, I don't really have much else to write.


Cathy said...

"The way I am" changes over time as the Lord works in a person's soul. Thank God for the struggle; it means you are not a dead fish floating along with the current.

Joseph said...

I'm Sorry for you and am praying for you. as I have said don't assume and I have never assumed what I thought about you. Up until you started your blog I didn't know to much about you. I like to know what people are like for real and Sarah you seem to be one of the most honest people I have ever met. I'm also sorry if anything I may have done may have set anything off in your life with music. And I know I have said somethings in my family without thinking and it got me in trouble and if I did any of that to you please forgive me.

zorg said...

I don't like fish, especially dead ones so I am glad I am not one.

Joe, you didn't really set anything off, it was when I was at Chelsea's house and she wanted to show me the song she was dancing to and thats when I decided what to write about. The J-music you wrote about sounds cool and its a lot better than what I have listened to.

Joseph said...

Thats good and thank you for clearing that up. If I did anything that would hinder anyone I would want that person to tell me.